Meet your PARTS! A brief overview of Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a psychological approach that suggests we all have different "parts" within us, each with its own feelings, beliefs, and behaviors that cause us to act on their behalf. These parts can be thought of as different aspects of our personality or psyche (nope--you’re not schizophrenic, I promise!). In order to understand YOUR parts, I want you to think about your life as a journey and your MIND as a bus.

Imagine that all of aspects of your personality are ON THE BUS, but NO ONE should be given the keys to drive except the TRUE YOU….I call THAT person, YOUR WISE SELF.

The personality part that is "DRIVING THE BUS" is the part that is in control. That means that the driver is leading our actions and decisions at all times….deciding single-handedly where we are going, what route we are taking and how fast or slow we’re driving. As you can imagine, if our "Wise Self" is NOT the one driving the bus, we might end up in a place completely different from where WE, or our WISEST self, wanted to go. Hopefully through this analogy, you can begin to see how the pattern of “self”-sabotage occurs, or truly believing we want something but not being able to GET OUT OF OUR OWN DAMN WAY to get it! If you find yourself in a place where you can’t seem to get what you want, another one of your ‘parts’ MIGHT be driving the bus…and that part might have been driving for quite some time.

Are you ready to meet YOUR parts? 

• The first part I’d like you to meet is YOU! YOU are the part of you that is calm, compassionate, and That’s why we call THIS part the Wise Self. The wise self is like your inner guide or mentor, making decisions based on what's truly best for you in the long run. This part KNOWS your truest desires and is VERY clear-thinking. This is the part we THINK is always in control, but until we understand our parts, this isn’t necessarily true.
• The next SET of parts that have taken up some occupancy on your bus are what we call your These are the parts of you that try to keep things under control and want nothing more than to prevent pain or discomfort. Despite their title, your Managers actually don’t CARE about your long term goals. They are there to keep you SAFE and your HAPPINESS is not a big concern of theirs. Our Managers often have rules and strategies to protect you from getting hurt. For example, they might push you to work harder or implant certain thought processes that will help you avoid risky situations. As you can imagine, the Managers DO NOT want you to leave your comfort zone. And they can be pretty nasty and persistent to do anything in their power to make sure they stay in control and help you avoid any possible pain.
• Our Firefighters are next. They hold at least a seat or two on our bus and they are there to jump into action when our Managers can't keep painful emotions at bay or lose control of a situation that leaves you Firefighters are just like the emergency responders they are named after. They use every tool imaginable, even resorting to extreme behaviors, to put out our emotional fires. For example, binge eating or substance abuse might be ways your Firefighter tries to numb emotional pain. Firefighters know exactly how to work you into natural hormonal highs and if that doesn’t work, they’ll find chemical highs that help get the job done.

• And finally, we have our Some people call these parts their “Inner Child” because these are the parts of us that are wounded and vulnerable and MANY of them took a seat on our bus during our formative years, before we had the ability to discern the true meaning of events, causing them to hold onto painful memories and emotions rooted often in misinterpretations or our inability to process the event psychologically. Our Managers like to keep these Exiles/Children hidden away because they carry so much hurt and trauma that it threatens the Managers’ ability to keep you safe if they get too close to you to voice their opinions. Managers and Firefighters work together in OVERTIME to keep these Exiles locked away, and sometimes they even fight over the BEST approach to “save” you from discomfort. The thing is, they do it all with LOVE. A love for you so deep that they don't want you to have to deal with these past pains ever again. 

In the ideal scenario, your Wise Self is the one driving your bus. When the Wise Self is in the driver’s seat, and is in charge and making decisions, you can trust that those choices are coming from a place of wisdom and compassion. Your wise self has the ability to listen to ALL the parts, understand their concerns, and lead all parts in a collaboration of the most balanced way to drive forward.

However, oftentimes, it is our Managers or Firefighters that are trying to take the wheel. They might do this because they're worried about your well-being or because they're trying to protect you from painful emotions. But when these parts take over, they can lead to unhelpful behaviors or decisions. They can take you seriously off course if they’re driving. These parts are basing their decisions on fear vs. wisdom and they are really good at disguising themselves as the wise self if you aren’t diligently watching. When the wise self realizes that another part is driving, or has been driving, the wise self must be patient in engaging the other parts and remember that the best way to unseat that driver is to make sure all of our parts are heard. It’s easier to get Managers and Firefighters to take their seat behind the driver if they feel that their concerns have all been voiced and considered, but it takes great awareness and leadership for the Wise Self to navigate those conversations in a way that keeps all parts happy.

The goal of IFS is to help you understand and work with all of your parts, so that your Wise Self can lead more consistently. This involves developing a relationship with each part, understanding their role and concerns, and helping them heal so they can trust the Wise Self to lead the way. This is often a long process, but when done correctly, it is usually the most freeing period of people’s lives.

The key to discovering your Managers and Firefighters is to connect first with your Exiles. While these are the hardest to reach because they’ve been pushed away for so long, usually, if you can give the Exiles a voice, you can discover when and where your Managers and Firefighters each moved into their roles. It will most likely be at a time of your life when an Exile felt the most distress.

Our Exiles are interesting because they WILL continuously try to remind us that they are with us. Their voice is so low and so far away that often our Wise Self can not hear them. But while we can’t necessarily hear them, remember that our Managers and Firefighters are always listening closely for these moments so that they can jump in and mask and hide them before your Wise Self realizes they are there. Unfortunately, the Exile WILL get louder and louder with every chance it gets to try to be seen and heard and cared for. However, the louder an Exile gets, the more fiercely protective your Managers and Firefighters will become to keep them away. It’s really an interesting cycle that most people have no idea is running, like software, behind most of their thoughts, beliefs and habits. Ultimately, when the Wise Self begins to drive the bus more often and manages to avoid pain and discomfort, our other parts begin to trust our Wise Self more and more and might allow our Exiles a chance to speak. The cycle can then begin to move in a more healing direction. This safe place that the Wise Self created can give room for the Exile to slowly enter. And if the Exile slowly and respectfully enters with the full knowledge and engagement of the Wise Self, the Managers and Firefighters will slowly back off and find other jobs in our lives that serve us much better.

When thinking about YOUR bus, remember that YOU, the WISE SELF you, are ALWAYS better able to navigate life's challenges with clarity, compassion, and resilience than any other part, and YOU are in charge of those other parts, too. To establish your leadership role, make sure to connect with your parts regularly and check in on how they’re feeling when you notice below the line emotions or the longing to put out an emotional fire. 

Finally, whenever we feel emotions like Shame, Blame, Rage or even Sadness, these are your clues that an EXILE might be trying to speak with you. Your job is to work on allowing that exile a voice when you are in the safe, kind, compassionate emotional place of your Wise Self. When you are here, get curious with those emotions and begin to ask yourself what they mean, what they are trying to communicate, what they want. It’s the answers to these questions that will help you UNTANGLE most and where you will begin to see the magic of life unfold!