You’ve done the work.
You’ve read the books, coached with me, set goals, and built habits.
You’ve learned the tools. You know about Wise Mind. You know about the dock.

And still… you find yourself getting frustrated.
Anxious.
Irritated.
Disappointed.
Spinning in the same old cycles.

You’re not alone. This has been coming up in so many of our sessions lately, and that’s exactly why I knew we had to talk about it here, too.

Because the problem isn’t that you’re broken.
The problem is this:

We keep believing things should be different than they are.

And that single belief?
It’s the root of almost every below-the-line emotion we experience.

So today, we’re diving deep—beneath the surface of your frustration—to get to the real reason you’re stuck.

And we’re using your most powerful tool to get there: ✨ The Feel Good Formula.

Contrast Sparks Growth. Resistance Sparks Suffering.

Let’s say your partner says something hurtful. Maybe their tone is sharp or dismissive. Immediately, something rises in your body: a tightness in your chest, heat behind your eyes, the urge to shut down or lash out.

You have two choices.

🌿 Option 1: Contrast

You pause and think:

“Ouch. That didn’t feel good. I want to feel more respected in our conversations.”

That’s contrast. You’ve noticed something that doesn’t feel good—and instead of spiraling, you get curious.

From the dock, you activate your 8 Cs:

• Calm: You breathe.
  
• Compassion: You soften your assumptions.
  
• Curiosity: You wonder what’s behind their reaction.
  
• Clarity: You recognize what you want and need.
  
• Courage: You’re willing to speak up.
  
• Confidence: You trust your ability to handle it.
  
• Creativity: You explore new ways of responding.
  
• Connectedness: You stay rooted in the relationship.
  

You don’t bypass the hurt. You use it. You use it to lead yourself back to peace—and maybe even strengthen the connection in the process.

🔥 Option 2: Resistance

Now let’s rewind. Same situation. Your partner says the exact same thing.

But this time, your thought isn’t just “Ouch.” It’s:

“They shouldn’t be talking to me like that.”
“I shouldn’t have to deal with this again.”
“They should know better.”
“I should be in a different kind of relationship.”
“This shouldn’t be happening.”

Welcome to resistance.

Now you’re not just feeling hurt—you’re fighting the reality of the moment. You’ve left the dock. Your protector parts are driving the bus. And your nervous system is flooded.

You’re spinning. You’re suffering. And underneath it all? You’re believing a lie: That peace will come only if something outside of you changes first.

Let’s Talk About Those “Shoulds”

Here’s a truth I’ve seen over and over again in coaching:

The moment someone says, “This shouldn’t be happening,” they leave the dock.

That one thought flips the switch from calm to chaos.
It activates the nervous system and pulls you below the line.

In our live session, you shared some powerful examples:

• “My kids should be listening to me.”
  
• “This should be easier.”
  
• “I shouldn’t still be struggling with this.”
  
• “They should care more.”
  
• “I should be more patient.”
  
• “I should have figured this out by now.”
  
• “My body shouldn’t look like this.”
  
• “My boss should be more understanding.”
  
• “They should know how I feel.”
  
  

Sound familiar?

Now hear this gently: Every “should” is a resistance to what is.

And that resistance is the source of your suffering—not the situation itself.

A Coaching Moment: From Should to Shift

One mom I work with has a son with autism who can be aggressive and hard to manage. She came to me frustrated with herself—not just for how he was acting, but for how she was reacting.

She said: “He shouldn’t be acting this way. And I should be better at handling it.”

That’s a double dose of resistance. And it’s no wonder she felt like she was drowning.

But when we dropped into the contrast beneath those thoughts, we found clarity:

• “I want to feel more equipped.”
• “I want more peace in these moments.”
• “I want to show up with patience and confidence.”
  
  

From there, she could create a new path (new strategies, clearer boundaries) or a new perspective (seeing his behavior as communication, not defiance).

And once she did?
The whole dynamic shifted.

Not magically. Not instantly. But powerfully.
Because she stopped resisting what was—and started working with it.

What’s the Feel Good Formula Again?

Let’s walk through it, step by step:

🔍 Step 1: NOTICE + NAME

Pause. What exactly am I feeling right now?
What’s the belief underneath it? (Hint: It probably includes a “should.”)

🤔 Step 2: PONDER

Is this belief 100% true?
Can I be absolutely certain that things should be different?
(Almost always: No.)

🧭 Step 3: PROCEED

Choose a new path or a new perspective.

• New perspective: Could I see this differently? What might this moment be asking of me?
  
• New path: What aligned action can I take from the dock?
  
  

This is the moment resistance melts into clarity.

Let’s Reframe One More Time

“They should be listening.” ⇢ I want to feel heard. I want more cooperation in our home. What needs to shift to make that happen?

“This shouldn’t be happening.” ⇢ This is happening. What’s my wisest, most grounded way to respond?

“I shouldn’t feel this way.” ⇢ This is how I feel. What part of me needs support right now?

So What Now?

Next time you feel yourself drop below the line, pause and ask:

• What am I believing that’s causing me pain?  Is there any version of “should” or “shouldn’t” in that belief?
  
• Is it true? (Hint: the answer is NO!)
  
• Do I need a new path or a new perspective to help me FEEL GOOD about WHAT IS?
  
  

And remember: this isn’t about never falling off the dock.
It’s about learning how to notice when you’ve fallen—and return with love.

One should at a time. One shift at a time. One new choice at a time.

This is how we UNTANGLE.

✨ Reflection for You:

• What’s one “should” that’s been keeping you in resistance this week?
  
• What would the contrast beneath that “should” reveal?
  
• What’s one path or perspective shift you’re willing to try?
  
  

One thread at a time, we’re untangling—together.