MAD About Someone Not Showing Up for You?

MAD About Someone Not Showing Up for You? What if they did? Learning to trade expectations for appreciation.

One of the fastest ways to end up off the dock in a relationship is to build a story around how someone should have shown up for you.

You know that story where you’re “should-ing” all over them: They should have checked in. They should have called. They should have defended me. They should have remembered. They should have noticed I was struggling. They should have known I needed them.

And when they didn’t, the hurt came rushing in, followed by some anger, until the story you assigned to this situation got super loud.

See? I can’t count on them.
See? I always show up for everyone and no one shows up for me.
See? I’m alone in this.

But here’s something I’ve learned both personally and through coaching hundreds of people: sometimes the pain you’re feeling isn’t coming from the event itself. Sometimes it’s coming from the gap between what happened and what you EXPECTED to happen. And that gap can feel brutal.

Expectations are tricky because they’re often built from our own blueprint of values, love languages, and the way WE are used to showing up. We assume that because we would do the thing, that other people will do the thing too. And when they don’t, it feels personal.

But what if it’s not personal at all?

What if they actually DID show up for you… just not in the way you wanted, or expected, or maybe even needed?

What if your husband didn’t sit and process your feelings with you, but he made sure dinner was handled so you didn’t have to think about it?

What if your friend didn’t call you, but sent a quick text because emotionally that’s all they had capacity for?

What if your parent didn’t validate your pain the way you needed, but offered help in the only love language they know; fixing, doing, solving?

What if you’re so mad because they didn’t love you in your language, that it caused you to completely miss that they were loving you in theirs?

That question matters is what REALLY matters, here. Because if we don’t stop and get curious, we can EASILY build resentment around something that may not even be true.

And resentment is expensive.

Resentment erodes connection. It costs peace. It forces us to lose our humanity in the muck of only one perspective.

This is where Untangled work asks us to PAUSE and notice…and then get REALLY REALLY honest.

Did they truly not show up for you? Or did they just show up differently than you wanted?

That distinction can change the trajectory an entire relationship.

And listen, this is NOT about excusing people. This is also NOT about settling for someone else’s crumbs or making yourself okay with chronic disappointment- those issues are REAL. What I’m talking about here is getting clear before you create a whole narrative that may not be accurate. Because clarity is at the heart of WISE MIND decisions. Especially in relationships.

Ok, Jackie, but what if they REALLY DIDN’T SHOW UP?

Not differently or imperfectly or in another love language? What if they simply DID NOT show up?

Well – that hurts in a different way that ALSO must be acknowledged. Because now you’re not just grieving unmet expectations, you’re being forced to confront actual reality. And reality can sting.

But this is where the Feel Good Formula comes in and choosing to FEEL GOOD becomes less of a concept and more of a lifeline. Because when someone lets us down, our nervous system reacts before our wisdom does and we go straight into protection and all the NOT-SO-GOOD feels that come with it: anger and resentment – and then what follows is usually either withdrawal, scorekeeping, or what’s even worse -ATTACKING.

And then you’re in the water. The work is getting back to the dock and it’s not as hard as you think.

First, you have to tell yourself the truth. What actually happened? Not the story. Not the interpretation. The facts.

Then ask yourself what you made it mean. THIS part is key!! Did it mean they don’t care? Did it mean you don’t matter? Did it trigger an old wound that says, I’m always the one left holding everything alone?

This is so so important because sometimes the pain of today is carrying the weight of yesterday and we don’t even realize it. Sometimes the pause is enough for us to catch OUR wound – because that’s the real work and the real relief.

Once we know what it meant, we can PIVOT. We can ask ourselves “Can I find a new perspective here?” And we’re not doing this to force forgiveness or to make ourselves believe their behavior was okay. We’re doing it to find the truth.

Maybe they’re emotionally limited. Maybe they’re avoidant. Maybe they don’t have the capacity to meet this need. Maybe they truly didn’t understand the depth of what you needed.

Honestly, NEW perspectives create space that is sometimes enough to allow us enough regulation to choose our next move wisely.

And then comes the question that changes everything: “Do I need to communicate, or do I need to create distance–or both?”

That’s it. ONE QUESTION. Because if this relationship matters, and there is enough safety, honesty, and willingness there, communication is the path.

Not blame. Not “you never.” Not “you always.” Just the truth of what we’re feeling and why we’re feeling it. Something like, “When I was going through that, I needed support. When you didn’t show up, I felt hurt. I realized I had expectations I never voiced, and I want to talk about that because this relationship matters to me.”

Can you feel the vulnerability? That kind of honesty is brave (Wise mind), mature (Wise mind), calm (wise mind, and connected (Wise mind). That’s emotional maturity – and if you can get to it, it opens the exact conversation the relationship probably needed.

And then once you communicate, you get information, too. And that information leads to clarity that can tell you even more truth!

Did they get defensive? Dismissive? Did they minimize the situation? React with indifference?

Well – if they did, the path may not be communication anymore and now you know. Next up: boundaries, or distance, or ultimately, protection – Not because you’re punishing them, but because you’re finally honoring yourself.

One of the hardest UNTANGLINGS we can do in adulthood is to accept that some people we wanted to be different can, in fact, only meet us at the depth they’ve met themselves. And if that depth isn’t enough for what the relationship requires, you have to decide what proximity to them is costing you.

That’s grown-up grief. And grown-up wisdom.

The truth is: Not everyone who loves you can hold you and not everyone who means well will meet your needs. And not every disappointment means the relationship is broken.

BUT – and this is a huge BUT – every disappointment IS information. Information about them. Information about you. And information about what needs to change.

Sometimes the Untangled work is trading expectation for appreciation. That means we see what is instead of obsessing over what should have been and moving into radically accepting that as the TRUTH.

That’s when we can choose to change the access people have to your heart accordingly. Either way, the goal is the same: Get back on your dock. Get honest. Get clear. And then let reality guide you more than resentment.

Because peace doesn’t come from people finally showing up the way you want. It comes when you stop abandoning yourself and communicating what you need from the dock.

“One thread at a time, we’re untangling it all.”

Xoxoxox

Jackie